No, not to travel the world - I have been doing that.

I have been traveling full time for over a year, after giving up my apartment and 90% of my possessions, and taking long term trips for over three. I have been to 5 continents, numerous countries, and endless cities.

I have swam in the clearest waters, hiked the most beautiful mountains, visited world wonders, kayaked through mangroves, roamed ancient cities, swam in cenotes, eaten the most incredible food, met the most amazing people, and had some whirlwind International Tinderella escapades, all while working full time and earning a pretty solid income.

I haven't had to be too money conscious, and while I am far from extravagant or luxe, I am also far from a budget traveler.

So, why TF would anyone quit a fully remote, 6 figure job?

Because even being in the most beautiful places, meeting the most amazing people, and eating the most delicious things; I wasn't sleeping, I was experiencing debilitating headaches, the anxiety and stress of my job was demotivating and leading to stagnation and decision fatigue.

Even on weekends, I was wandering these ancient cities or laying on these beautiful beaches, for all intents and purposes "Living the dream", consumed with Anxiety and toeing the line of Depression.

I realized I was compromising my emotional and physical health, as well as my morals and ethics in order to continue living this incredible nomadic life.

I found myself lying, misrepresenting myself. I fell in to "influencer" or "look at me" mode: posting pics working from my laptop on a terrace or some other beautiful setting - trying to oversell how amazing my life is.

And, it IS incredible and amazing in so many ways, this is in no way a complaint about having had the freedom and flexibility to travel the world while working, but the tradeoff wasn't worth it anymore.

After applying to close to 100 remote jobs over the past year and nothing panning out, I was exhausted. The rejection and/or let down was just adding to the anxiety and stress, so I stopped looking (and crying) and started saving.

I set goals: pay off all credit card debt, hit a savings goal, have my next 6 months planned and paid for, and have a back up plan.

On Friday the 13th - I hit all those goals and submitted my letter of resignation.

As soon as I did, I felt an immense weight lifted. I felt accomplished and free....

and then... reality.

What did I just do??

Did I really just give up a full-time remote job? an income? stability?

Yup.

It is both liberating and terrifying. I keep getting asked: What are you going to do? And I laugh (so I don't cry) and say: I don't know.

I have had a job since I was 14. I don't have a spouse or family to fall back on. I keep running numbers through my head for how long I can "last" without dipping too far in to my safety net.

What I do have is an incredible support system, offers of "home" in 5 states and 2 countries, an amazing therapist willing to work on a sliding scale once I am uninsured, and a whole lot more peace of mind and self-respect.

So, here I am: four and half months from 40, unmarried, childless by choice, about to start my midlife "gap year".

Maybe I will finally write that book.